Why do I write?
I write because a voice inside me needs to be heard.
I write because my dna was blended by the storytellers of my ancient tribe.
I write because it all still hurts too much to speak the words and I cannot allow the pain of it all to silence me any longer.
I write because I have carried this anger inside me for long enough; it is time to birth my story and find peace.
I write because I want my words to be available to my children as a source of love, strength and guidance when I leave this earth.
I write because I am educated enough to understand that I cannot say most of these words to my children. Not now. It is important for their growth that they define their own relationship with their dad and the world. However, there will be day when they will have questions about their own pathology and right now their history is being defined by the victor, as has been since the dawn of man.
After reading Peace from Broken Pieces, by Iyanla Vanzant, I realized that like her, my mother didn't "talk to me about the things I would face as a woman." (page 53, Peace from Broken Pieces, by Iyanla Vanzant)
I will not make that same mistake. I will share of my own story as much as I can, as much as they will need.
Reading that line by Iyanla, was super powerful in my acknowledging how important it is to teach and prepare my kids for their emotional and spiritual adulthood. It was the reminder I needed to redefine what I speak to my kids about. It is such a fine line to walk. They will have enough baggage to carry forward in their lives and having an absent father will not be my doing. We stayed in Colorado with their dad, even when my inner guidance was advising me to flee to protect us all. The damage of staying falls to me. Ultimately I had to decide.
I write to document the courage and strength I have found in my attempts to co-parent with my ex.
If I don't write this, they will grow up believing like I did they are "supposed to do what I had seen the women in my family do; put up with the crap and fight it out as required." (page 53, Peace from Broken Pieces, by Iyanla Vanzant) I want them to know that while I should have left so much sooner and while I was not able to spare them the ongoing struggle that their dad puts them through around their love for me, I want them to read my words someday and know that taking my stand and leaving was the most important thing I could do to love and respect myself.
It was the most important healthy example I could provide them.
I believe that one day, they are going to need to make their own stand against a bully and abuser and I hope by my example and struggle they will know my strength flows through them.
I also write because I want to connect with other people who are taking those very important first baby steps towards personal strength and freedom. I want them to know that it is very hard to take the steps necessary to change your life, it can also be very scary. But it is worth it. Getting off the emotional roller coaster is worth it. There is nothing easy about getting clear in your life and taking the steps to leave an abuser, someone you love and care about. There were so many times on my path to freedom that I just wanted to stop and return to my old comfortable life. As awful as it was, it was the devil I knew. Being on my own was scary because I had learned and come to believe that I couldn't stand on my own; that I wasn't enough.
I drove my girlfriend Theresa damn near crazy talking through my fear of continuing forward in my divorce versus just going back to him where my fears were concrete and known and where I still believed I could fix all of the broken parts.
I am so fucking blessed that she held my hand and kept me moving forward during those days, because my fear of my own strength and personal power were too strong. Those moments didn't last long, but for a while there were regular occurring panic attacks that scared the living shit out of me. I am blessed that she stayed with me month after scary month because I now know with every fiber of my being, that I am not broken, that I do not need to be fixed.
I felt broken and flawed and stupid and incapable and weak because I was trying to live with a very damaged person who hurt so badly and was so unhappy, that he needed someone to dominate to ease his pain. I was trying to live in his emotional chaos that was spiraling out of control.
I write because I was told for several decades that I was not enough, too sensitive, to emotional, too needy; I have learned that almost everything that I was told that made me weak in my accuser's eyes, is essentially where I now draw my strength. My ability to connect with people & being full of emotion and feeling is my special gift.
It has been just in the past few months that the pieces of my life puzzle have come together in a way that allowed me to see that by accepting that I am a sensitive person, my purpose in this life would become very clear.
I have always lived a quiet, rather solitary life. I like my quiet time and time alone. Even after having children, we decided to homeschool, so I thrived in my own little cocoon. In the final years of my marriage there was so much anger and unhappiness directed at me by my ex due to his extreme unhappiness from repeated lay-offs and depression that my world was constantly filled with stress, anxiety, fear, lack and worry. I was desperately searching every spiritual avenue to find peace and happiness in my life. I dug out the self help books and accepted recommendations for new authors, I learned about stones and crystals to carry with me to help me focus and to help me relax, and I started meditating, running and doing yoga again.
I cannot remember where I learned it, but in that last year, I learned that only I can make me happy. I am the only person responsible for my happiness.That is when it first dawned on me that I could not fix my marriage, not long term or for real. All I had done for 16 years was keep patching his wounds. I had to leave because my soul was dying from his choice to stay full of hate and anger.
I write because I now know that my purpose in this life is to teach what I am learning to help myself and other (sensitive) people protect themselves and how to thrive in this world.
And I write because every word that leaves my body, takes a bit of the poison with it. Every time I finish and hit the "post" button, I feel a little bit lighter and a little bit brighter.
If you feel you might also be "sensitive", there are some really good websites and books available to help you come to understand yourself and how to learn to protect and shield your energy.
Miracles Now, by Gabrielle Berstein (She also has youtube videos for shielding & meditating)
Most days I write from my antiquated cell phone that slides open to reveal a real qwerty keyboard. I love writing on that phone because I can write anywhere my muse strikes. I am trying to get into a routine of writing sitting upright like a grown up. Today, I am writing from my dining room table. This is stuff around me while I write!