Why I Am Focusing On Forgiveness

Quote found on Facebook:
"And God said, "Love Your Enemy," and I obeyed him and loved myself." Khail Gibran

Facebook, Robert Holden. Miracles Mini-series Day 5
A Course In Miracles Lesson 192

"Forgiveness represents your function here."
"Who could be set free while he imprisons anyone? A jailer is not free, for he is bound together with his prisoner. He must be sure that he does not escape, and so he spends his time in keeping watch on him. The bars that limit him become the world in which his jailer lives, along with him."
"Therefore, hold no one prisoner. Release instead of bind, for thus you are made free. The way is simple. Every time you feel a stab of anger, realize you hold a sword above your head. And it will fall or be averted as you choose to be condemned or free."
"Be merciful today."

I know I have put off working on forgiveness for as long as possible. When I listened to The World Tapping Summit early this spring, I was stunned listening to the interviews as I was confronted with how much mental baggage and I guilt I have been carrying with me.

I am blessed that I have a recovering alcoholic as a parent and have been able to learn a little about recovery, forgiveness, and letting go. But I cannot believe how much deeper life is going to make me wade through. 

For some reason though I never put the pieces together about how much anger & sadness & disappointment I have squished into my body.

I started noticing late last year, how the ugly would ooze out from time to time. Literally, I would be having a conversation & hear myself speaking ugly, hateful, hurt disguised as conversation. Shaking my head as if to wake up, I would try to stop & just shut up, but I was so full of the ugly that I couldn't stop it bursting out. I have legitimate reasons to be angry. Some nights I can sit good in deep in my steaming pile of ugly and run through the list of how I am being wronged and who is responsible for my bad feelings. Most nights shortly after adjusting my self a couple of times in the warm pile of piss and moan, I realize what I am trying to soothe myself in and I pull myself out of that funk. I have listened to so many authors explain that there is a benefit to not forgiving, that there is a comfort in reliving & affirming the unfairness and pain of life. While I do not understand why so many of us get a pay off for holding onto our hurt, I know that it is true. For some of us, we have defined ourselves for so long by our hurts, the injustice and anger that it could take decades to wade through it all in therapy. While listening to The World Tapping Summit, I learned that EFT can aide me in letting go. Not analyzing and wallowing in for decades, but now. Like right now.
One of the authors being interviewed in the Summit described how easy letting go is. He describes picking up a pencil with his hand and gripping it tightly. Then he describes relaxing the body, taking a breath and opening his fingers releasing & letting the pencil go. How freakin brilliant & way too simple, except that it is spot on. There just isn't any other way to really do it.

Each day I chose to repeat my stories, who I am. What has happened to me. Who has wronged or disappointed me. Who I have wronged or disappointed. I am the one who has prayed and told God that I was laying my baggage at his feet, only to turn around after a few minutes to locate my bags & flip them onto my shoulders.
It is so simple and yet it is a very hard choice to make.

I am learning to see myself as I want to be. This is really difficult as I have grown accustomed to who I thought I was based on my stories. I can say with great certainty that carrying around the anger & fear & disappointment has not saved me from making new mistakes, nor has it protected me at all. It has kept my head down and my steps unsteady for so long.

Forgiveness, accepting reality as neither good nor bad, self care, loving whole heartedly, dealing with fairness & justice, letting go, living in the present, and not running away when I get scared are coming topics.

I have spent the better part of a decade defining myself as damaged, but I am finding strength in the reality that I not damaged. I am exactly who I need to be and have been given the life I have lived so that I can share my hope. I get scared and overwhelmed, but I am allowing the hope to seep in and replace the ugly day by day.