My Angel Card this morning was "Let Your Past Go". I read the little message which talks about "carting your past around has made you weary, Dear One. It's time to set this burden down." When I pulled out the little guide booklet, the extra message was "You're repeating a pattern because of unfinished emotions from your past."
I finished my morning ritual and got busy with being a mom who has additional kids from a stay the night. Donuts were purchased by my sweet boyfriend, lunches were packed and swim suits and sunscreen was applied. My girlfriend would meet us at the pool, we would get some more girl time, then she would take her kids from there. The sun was so nice and laying there is just a splendid way to spend a Sunday afternoon with friends.
At one point, I checked my cell phone and saw I had a friend request on Facebook. Holy crap, Iyanla Vanzant has asked to be my Facebook friend. Now, I will say this, I dropped my phone and went to fetch it carefully for fear of hitting a button that made the request disappear. Trying to get my breathing to slow down I handed it to my boyfriend and he looked at me like who is this? Then it hit him who she is. Lord knows he has sat there next to me while I have listened to video's of her on you tube. I first stumbled onto Iyanla while listening to one of the first days of the Tapping World Summit, 2014. Iyanla was being interviewed by Jessica Ortner who I have so grown to love listening to. Iyanla's voice and speaking style reminded me of my Great Aunt Bobbie Sue. After listening to that interview I went in search of everything I could get my hands on to learn more about this woman speaking of Forgiveness. Iyanla's videos and books will be a big part of the month I focus on Forgiveness. Hearing her speak her story, sparked in me that the life I have lived had to be the exact way it was so that I could help and serve others.
I will state for the record that I am taking this as a big ole sign from God that I am doing the work I am supposed to be to prepare me for life I desire. I don't care if I get 200 comments telling me she friend-ed everyone on her email program list or is friending everyone who has hit "like"on 100 or more of her Facebook posts, this is one of the coolest things ever. I was showing the "request to my daughter who has been in the backseat of the car playing Mindcraft while I listen to her videos for the past 6 months and she said "that is way cool mom. Do you think you will ever get to meet her?" Wow, what a powerful question for my daughter to ask. She can see it as a possibility. My reply, "Yes, I do think I will meet her."
Why this is so cool is because a couple of months ago, Hay House had a conference going on with tons of their authors speaking and one of them posted this photo of them having dinner after a very awesome, but long day. I saved it on my phone when I saw it. My heart whispered, I can't wait to be at that table. I can't wait to have finished my first speaking tour and being on a high from listening and meeting the other speakers and to be able to sit down after and soak in the energy and love and ideas. I can see sitting with Iyanla, kicked back with our shoes off, unbuttoning the top button of our pants cause we have shared a fabulous meal and listening to her tell me that I am going to be ok. I cannot wait to hear that laugh in person. I cannot wait to have her "fix" my broke ass life!!! I want her to help me "tap" away my pain so I can not bring my hurt to the table when I am helping others. I can't wait to hug her and tell her the huge impact she has made in my life.
The wheel was set in motion in January when I followed some link off Facebook for meditation and relaxation and stumbled onto Nick Ortner's website, The Tapping Solution. I watched the introductory video on Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT, then several more on that site. I cannot remember what I gave my email address to, but a bit later I received information about the Tapping World Summit 2014. I listened to each of the daily interviews. I bought the program, so I could listen to everything again. My stress level has been sky high for two years and I was seeking relief before I made myself sick again.
Ulcerative Colitis at 43 was very humbling and meant my body is screaming at me that my inner life is out of control. I have already lost my gallbladder and don't want to lose one inch of my colon. I have been swallowing my anger and fear instead of speaking my truth and in turn my body was destroying itself. I have carried so much guilt and shame with me each day and my inner dialog is horribly destructive. I started grasping at anything and everything. I joined Oprah & Deepak on a 21 Day Mediation Journey, I started tapping everyday with the downloaded guided tapping meditations, and I started finding videos of the people interviewed on the Tapping World Summit 2014 so I could learn more about them. Each day a new person would hit my radar and off I would go to see what they could teach me.
I do not feel like time is on my side. I feel that God is trying to help me make a quick shift so I wake up and realize what I am here to do and quit getting sidetracked by the noise around me. I can feel a buzzing in me that I need to get moving and start focusing on what I was put here to do, to serve. Then the idea of the blog began. I ran the idea by my girlfriend, then quietly shared my dream to write the blog, write a book and begin speaking. I spoke out loud to her to make it real. She (and now you) now knows what is in my heart and it is no longer a secret that I can choose to ignore.
I am taking a big solid stand like a Sumo Wrestler and grounding myself in the knowledge that each hurt, pain, disappointment, and mean word was part of my journey to be able to help someone else get out of the tunnel of pain and shame and abuse.