I love when I am present enough to get lost in the connections and feelings. I had a beautiful morning lacing several different conversations together.
Until a month ago, I would have told you that I hate roses. Roses are what boring men choose to send to women that they don't care enough about to spend 10 more minutes looking at what the earth has to offer. Over the course of the past 30 years, I have been sent more red roses than any one woman needs in her life. I was clear that I hated roses!
Until a month ago, when I changed my mind.
I fell in love with roses again because I can. I was introduced to some very beautiful and special roses. I love the freedom that "allows" me to change my mind.
This morning while taking my daughter to school and she was talking about how heavy her brother's backpack is and that if he doesn't take some of the stuff out it will break and then her dad will have to spend more of his money to get a new one. She told me that her Grandma had sent her Dad money for school stuff and that she had wanted to get a backpack with kitten on it, but her Dad had told her that she didn't like kittens, so it wasn't a good idea. She told me that she had not spent all of her portion of the money, but her brother did. She really wanted that backpack.
Then she told me about her conversation with her dad about the dress she wore to school yesterday. His response to her was, "but you don't like dresses." Her response was, "well I like the four I just bought."
I exhaled and said, "Yep, he really lives in a very black and white world. You are going to have to gently work with him all the time to remind him that you are allowed to change and grow." "Besides, you are way too young to be a crotchety old man at 13 years old."
You either like dogs or you like cats. You are either a dog person or a cat person. There is not room for you to like both. If you state you like or don't like something, you had better be prepared to never freakin' change your mind.
You can't be a outdoorsy tom boy and a girlie girl.
You can't love being loud around people and have a strong need for quiet and solitude.
You can only have one favorite color.
YOU CAN'T....I sure heard that a lot. That and a chorus of "but last time you said".
Throughout my 16 years of marriage I was told that I was unable to make decision. That I changed my mind too much. That I was incapable.
Five years into my divorce (recovery), I am understanding that I am very capable of making decisions, but because I wasn't allowed to make decisions in my own time and comfort and that I was forced too often to make quick decisions, I panicked.
There was a big score board that showed each win and each failure. With the clock ticking and having to mentally prepare a smart & concise argument to support my decision, it seems that often I chose to go with what I thought he wanted to hear instead of what my gut told me. That always meant my argument was weak and riddled with holes. Days later, after having spent a few moments in my head, I would change my mind and my resolve would be absolute.
He never snapped his fingers at me to tick off time that I was wasting trying to sort out my pro's and con's, but in my head I heard the snapping. I really wanted to be smart enough to make good fast decisions and it caused me great shame that I couldn't.
Until I decided to leave him.
It was a pretty snap decision and I felt absolutely right about doing it. I knew I was dying each day that I stayed in his world. I felt quite literally like a fish out of water. I would try my very best to live the way he was most comfortable with, but I could not breathe. This doesn't mean I didn't second guess myself as each day got harder & messier, but I knew in my soul I needed to get out of my marriage to save myself.
I am trying not hear the snapping sound when I have to make decisions. I am changing the sound track in my head to sound more like a metronome and I have long associated a metronome with 4 count meditative breathing.
I no longer feel shame for walking away from having to make a snap decisions.
I do not have to make snap decisions at anyone's demand anymore.
But I can if I need to. Let the Universe take note, I am making decisions daily with ease and confidence. Since I don't have to create the argument, deliver the debate and explain my damn self, it has become much easier to just decide. I now decide based on what I know and feel and if minutes, hours or days later I find that the decision no longer feels right, well then I sit with myself and figure out what my next step is.
His world was and still is very black and white. He needs that structure for some reason, but that no longer applies to me.
I will no longer allow my world to be defined by someone else's need to classify and categorize me.
My favorite color is teal & orange & silver & gold! I am girlie & outdoorsy. I am an extrovert who needs a great deal of quiet to recharge.
I am only a dog lover though!
However, my children are moving between our worlds. My son is always telling me how he uses logic to rule his life.
I just smile and send up a quick prayer that someday the logic will help him make sense of his colorful emotions. Even Spock had to come to terms with his duality and embrace his human emotional mother.
Prosper as a verb: succeed in material terms, be financially successful. Or to flourish physically, grow strong and healthy.
Synonyms: flourish, thrive, bloom and blossom.
I hope my children flourish, thrive, bloom and blossom.
I hope my children allow themselves the space and time to explore this big ole world and I pray they remember to stop and smell the roses!