I haven't written anything since Thursday, which makes me feel really weird and out of sorts. I had hoped to write Sunday, but nothing that has been going through my mind seemed worth writing. I just wanted to lay on the sofa and breathe.
I can feel that change is coming. I can feel that change is needed. I have fought it for so long now. I just wanted a little more normal & stable, but this is not where I am supposed to be. I like being comfortable and the repetition of my days. The more I resist this change the harder & more stressful my life becomes. I am trying to see this challenge as a "tremendous gift" as Nick Ortner suggest, but it just isn't feeling very Christmas like.
Back in July I received an email from a life coach that talked about her "longest night" and how she realized that she had spent her life supporting & living someone else's dream. She realized she had never invested in herself the way she had invested in her partner's dreams. I find myself in a similar boat. I am an excellent team player. I am an excellent support person. I have the skills to organize & choreograph anything & carry out a small invasion or take over, but I don't use these skills for my own life, I save them for everyone else.
The one time I did use them for myself was my divorce court. I ran out of people who could afford to give me money after $25k and had to represent myself for the final court date. With the support of some very knowledgeable friends, I prepared every document, every report, and every argument. Between the good ole boy bullshit in the very small town I was living in and just not accepting that a non lawyer can never win against a known accredited lawyer and his highly paid expert witnesses. I lost, and that was crippling, but I brought a mighty fine "A" game with me that day.
Other than that day, I don't represent myself or promote myself like I do my partner's dream. I wish I could say it is because they need me and my help more than I do, but that is not true. I have played small for all of my adult life because I do not want to fail. I do not want to be told that I don't have what it takes to fulfill my dreams. I don't want to hear that I am not good enough. It has been safer to team up with someone and push their dreams rather than mine.
Like the quote that started my brain down this path, "What part of part of me needs to be healed?" "What part do I need to understand/heal/forgive about myself?" Nick Ortner Facebook 11/2/2014
Only life is now showing me that it isn't safer to push someone's dream. When I truly scream out "why me?" & "What have I done to cause this?", which I am currently screaming with my raised fist shaking in the air.
Life is screaming back at me, "because you are hiding behind someone else. We are going to ask you one more time to step out from behind that other person and show up everyday to do one thing that moves your dream forward."
I am sitting as still as possible with the question "if I am supposed to do something different, what is it?" I have children to support and I can't just jump off the fast track to sit at home writing my days away. I have to find something that keeps my energy high, not stressed and frazzled and crazy! I just need a day job, that can be left at the door when I get home.
I am anxious and tired and I am finding sitting still very difficult, but right now I need to have some serious time each day devoted to listening.
"Regardless of how hard, challenging, frightening, or difficult an experience may seem, everything is just as it needs to be in order for us to heal, grow, and learn." Iyanla Vanzant Facebook 11/3/2014
Everything right now seems hard, challenging, frightening and difficult. I cannot figure out what I need to heal and grow. I cannot figure out if I am making the progress I need to be making fast enough. It is really challenging to be a Type A personality when you know you are trying to slow your life down, just a little bit.
Today is the first day of Deepak's & Oprah's new 21 Day Meditation Challenge. I will be listening to day one today while making dinner and I will probably need to listen to it again before going to be tonight. I love these 21 day deals. They make it very easy for me to stay on task each day.
Sorry if this seems like a repeat of several other days I have had the past two months. My life really does feel like two steps forward, one step back and while I love a good Cha-Cha, I am tired of standing in the same spot on the dance floor. I am ready for a big sweeping foxtrot that keeps me moving!
Shit, note to self, no more dancing analogies, I am supposed to be sitting quietly listening for guidance and meaning.
Sit Melissa, assume the position and quiet your busy monkey brain.