I woke up a little early this morning because yesterday I was so busy that I did not write at all. I know that some days are going to be like that, but it put me in a moody, sulky place. The best days are the days when I can get "it" mixed into one 24 hour period, all of it! Yesterday was not one of those days. So I have much to squeeze into this day.
I am a very special woman. There is a lot that goes into making my day just right.
I am not an easy woman to love. I am not easy to be around. I can be too loud or too quiet. I can want too much or nothing at all. I desire comfort and touch and need the space to think. I can get quite pissed when he seems unaware of which mood I am in. I don't have time to explain these things. I expect them to be sensed and understood.
Not that those who have signed up to love me complain often, but you can see it in their eyes when too many days have passed since I remembered to stop twirling around and dancing and sharing my light with the world. I forget he likes to dance too. I forget that I haven't told him I love him and need him and want him. I forget sometimes to tell him how much I need him and how my world would not be quite as right without him.
When I am lost in my mind, creating and typing away, hours pass; sometimes days. Yet my house stays clean, I have clothes to wear, the sink empties, coffee is ready at the weird times I wake up and he is forever making sure I have eaten and creates me the most fabulous plates of food.
As a treat, I bring him potions that are supposed to cure my ills. Like a cat bringing its master a dead rat, I present my gift. The fears of the last nasty drink he swallowed that curled his stomach passes over him and I see him shudder. He knows he has to share the bubbly, fermented experiments I bring home as the elixir to cure my delicate system that gets to out of whack. I pour him half of my special potions and wait wide eyed, with a big smile of anticipation in my eyes to see how crinkled his nose will get as he smells what he is about to drink. Will he do it? Yes, he will do it and then he will shake and sputter and grab the bottle to see what I have poisoned him with this time. After that moment of fun, like Juliette, I will join him in the poison.
It is never my desire to let my lover feel alone or unwanted, but the stars call at me through the cracked window that allows the cool whispers of the night to sing me to sleep. Some nights the music makes me want to get up and dance. I have to be quiet as I need him to sleep. I will need him carry me late in the day when my night of dancing catches up with me.
He comes in search of me when the thoughts and words take me away from the bed. I am presented with the sad slumping shoulders and weepy eyes because I have left him alone too long and without my heat, the bed has grown too cold for him to be by himself. I bring the computer with me, and the cords and I turn on the lights as we did not get a back lit keyboard and I snuggle in with mounds of pillows behind me so I can sit up and type and then I allow him to curl back up at my side and go back to sleep. I am sure that he finds comfort in the rhythmic sounds of my typing.
My poor lover has to work all night to keep the fires going so that I do not freeze while enjoying the breezes that make me bury myself right next to him, under 23 blankets of varying textures and weights. Of course, not tucked into the bottom of the bed, but only tucked under my feet.
My lover stays awake all night as I flip from old hip to new hip taking the covers with me, yet unable to sleep until he is once again nestled at my side and my covers adjusted so that they tuck all around me. He stays awake until he is assured that sleep has taken me into dreamland, he says he is comforted by my sweet sleeping noises. I think he is silly and tell him his sleeping noises wake me up so I roll him over, they are not sweet, they are loud.
After snuggling and getting warm, he will ask if I took my pills and I will say "no"and he will un-bury himself and go fetch them. He returns with water and a smile and waits for me to crawl out of our nest and sit up to take my medicine. Then I have to wait for him to return and crawl back in. Once he is in, I wait for him to settle, then I snuggle up behind him as tight as I can get my body and put my lips on his back and kiss him good night. Except it isn't good yet, my hair gets trapped under my cheek and will need to be removed, so I have to let him go to readjust my hair, after that is done, I will re-snuggle, my arm thrown around him. Then I will notice that my huge t-shirt is twisted around my chest, so I will need to let go again to fix myself. After some leg and ass scratching, I am finally ready to get back into my sleep position.
Then he will ask if I need my itchy skin salve he made with oils and smells? I do, because if I don't then I will keep itching all night. He will ask where the salve is and I will tell him I don't know. He will again crawl out of our cocoon and go in search for the salve that I last used in the bathroom after my nightly bath. He crawls back into our bed and puts the salve on all the usual places and put the salve back on my bedside table where it belongs and we begin the snuggling process again.
I share my angry voice around only him, not at what he has done as I would never be so careless with his heart, but when the world has pushed too much, he is my safe shelter to explode. I can see that my voice is too loud and the size of my anger worries him that I might actually explode, but he stands there keeping watch while I let my hair down, take my day off and remove all of the ugly bits that have gotten stuck on me throughout the day.
When I am tired and shaky, he sets me in the waters he has prepared and scented to help me wash away the pain I have absorbed from the world.
When I see his sweet eyes fill with worry, I remember that it has been so many nights since I let him crawl into my lap in the warm sweet smelling tub he prepares for me each night. So I ask him to join me and we squish together as tight as possible to get as much skin under the water in our tiny tub. If the water would stay warm, we could snuggle all night in our little cocoon, or until my legs get twitchy.
He is already trying to remember where the salve is for my twitchy legs or if we used it all the last time and where is the recipe he will need to make more.
I know it is hard to love me some days and I am so blessed to have found someone who makes it look very easy. Most days I would never know how very difficult I have become, after being loved so sweetly and thoroughly but then mid twirl, skirts and legs up in the air, I catch his eye and am reminded that I can share my dance with him. He is most happy when I am in his arms and he is leading me around and I am singing in his ear. I am most happy when I can see the happy in his twinkling eyes!
I love you!