Over the rest of the night both kids talked about their upcoming weekend.
Grandma is coming in to town to help celebrate their Dad's birthday. She is also going to babysit so that he can go on a date!
My step son is coming down again to see his family. I won't lie, this stings a lot. I know that I am not alone in the sadness of being a "former" step parent. Nothing prepares you for losing a child you accepted as your own and loved, but divorce is very messy and difficult for the children, even the grown ones.
Anyways, I am feeling in a funk. Work is okay, but I am still feeling out where my place is in this new world. I don't want to step on any toes and I don't want to get too ahead of myself. I think it is a good fit for my people skills, but like all things, time will tell.
I need something more. Something to make getting out of bed worth it.
I know that most of us aren't able to have our day job feed our passion. I had always thought I was special and that my passion and how I spent my day would be one in the same. I have been working almost 30 years and the only job I have had that fed my soul was being a mom and homeschooling them. Since that ended 5 years ago, I have just kinda floundered around trying new things to see what fits. It has been more taking what is in front of me than conscious choice. Until this new job. Social media and marketing and sales are things I really enjoy. I am ready to settle into my life, but this takes patience and it seems I am low on that.
I know I need time to myself. I need time to create. I need time to be quiet and listen. I need time to just sit and grow moss and feel the wind blow through my hair and feel the warmth of the late summer sun on my face. I don't want to have to explain or share or do anything other than just be and feel and lay on the sofa. I don't want to have to be up for someone else. I don't want to feel guilty for not being in a good place.
Easier said than done when you have children, a boy friend, friends and family that want to connect with you and need your energy and love.
I can tell I am running a little low right now and I need to figure out how to recharge myself so I can be of service to those I love.
I feel like I am just getting through each day. Like that is all I aiming for, just to get the day done.
My guts rumbled all night. I went through the process of thinking what excuse will I give to not have to go to Girl Scouts if my ex mother in law will be there. I spent the night borrowing trouble. I woke up knowing I didn't want to lie. Before I dropped my daughter off at school, I nervously asked if she knew when her Grandma was getting into town. She said she wasn't sure. I asked if she found out that it was tomorrow and her Grandma was coming to Girl Scouts if she could let me know. She said yes she would let me know and that she understood. It is hard enough to sit under the gaze of my ex. I don't have it in me this week to sit with both of them.
Is this being a chicken shit or self preservation? I know I am really hard on myself, but I am ready for the day when life doesn't feel so damn hard. For the funk I am in, I am choosing to call this self love. Setting boundaries and limits. I do not need to have family time with my ex and his mom.
Self love today is mango smoothie and a chocolate pop tart and good music and listening to Deepak tell me that I am part of the flow of life and making a list at the end of the day of what I am grateful for.
Even it all I write is that I am grateful I made it through another day.