It is Hard Work Being a Survivor

I cried again today at work. I really hadn't meant to. I had a very busy but generally good week last week. I felt good going into the weekend, like I had turned a corner and that my employers were noticing that I am capable.  

This really is like being in an abusive relationship. I have lost so much confidence.

Essentially today, I was asked to not make any more decisions on my own regarding who we lease to. This is curious as last week I presented my options to my boss grouped into the "couples". I presented who I thought was our best option and discussed money with my boss. I was told to contact them to see if they were good with the larger security deposit as they have a cat.I contacted the prospects and talked to them about the security deposit and pet deposit. 

They wanted to see if we could break up the pet deposit into two payments and I said I would present that to the powers that be.

I did and was told no. Either bring in the lump sum before move in or it was a no go. I was told to do the Verification of Rent as well.  I did the VOR, and the information was good. I spoke to the prospects and all though it makes for a tight month, they agreed to pay the full deposit at once. We set up a time for today to meet and sign the lease. 

This morning the powers that be asked me what was I thinking as we had never discussed really offering them the lease. I responded as calmly as I could that I was had reviewed the application, declined the people who didn't qualify and was presenting the next stage to the prospects. We spoke of money and came to agreement and then I set up a lease signing time. 

It seems I remember things differently from my employer. It appears that I was to do one more step after speaking money with the prospects and send one final email asking, "Is it really okay for me to rent to this couple?" I was asked to never set up a lease signing time or make an offer without receiving that final, final explicit response of approved.  I was asked if I realized what I had done?  

I thought I realized what I had done. I thought I had set up an appointment to have prospects sign a lease. As nothing had been signed, I HADN'T done anything. He could have called the tenants and told them I had overstepped my bounds and had not been authorized to make an offer. Yes, that would have sucked for everyone involved, but he could have stopped my humongous overstepping of bounds.

If I live to see another lease, I will be sending this request for final, final approval via an email so I have documentation. Not that it does any good to prove your employer is incorrect. It just pisses them off when you do that. 

That was part 2 of my really serious, awful, fucking terrible bad day. Part 1 happened moments before. Our maintenance man called me to tell me that the paint color that I had written in the work order was wrong. He painted it up against the trim and damn if it wasn't the same color as the trim. The trim and the wall are two slightly different colors. Everything is documented in the system, so one never has to color match or guess (that was the sermon from two weeks ago. Except for when it is documented wrong, or when a tenant paints a wall another shade of white or when you aren't entirely sure if the finish is egg shell enamel, flat matte, satin or flat enamel.

The photo the maintenance man texted me.

In my current state of incompetence, I  quickly assumed it was my mistake and stopped listening to the maintenance man and started trying to pull up the email from my boss that I had copied and pasted the information from.

The next thing I heard was that he had purchased 15 gallons of the wrong paint, $550 worth of paint. 

Then my work phone started ringing and it was my boss. Part two of this mess took place. After being told to stop being a property manager and just be an assistant, I had to tell him about the conversation about the paint. I didn't mention how many gallons we have of it as it will get used somewhere, right?  Or stored blocking the emergency exit in the hallway? It's all good. 

I finished the conversation with my boss who was going to dig again down through the 200 property documents on the network to see if he could figure out where we had gone wrong with establishing the paint color. 

About 10 minutes later the maintenance man called me back. 

The first thing out of his mouth was that he had just been fired over the paint problem. I didn't realize how strung out I was until I started crying and telling him I was so sorry. 

Then he told me he was just joking. 

Jeannie out of bottle, cork ain't being wedged back in. I couldn't stop the tears. 

I know they can run this company without me. It is only 120 properties, but their zealousness to run the company like they are means this is their cap. This is as good as it gets. Maybe that is okay for them. 

I remember that less than 90 days ago, I was really freakin' awesome at exactly this job that they won't let me do on my own. 

Later this afternoon, the nice couple came in to sign their lease which I couldn't print because my boss's approved copy had been left it open on his computer. I printed out a draft and walked them through that while checking several times to see if he had closed the document. He didn't. An hour after they arrived I explained that I would send out a copy via email tomorrow so they could sign it online. I accepted their security deposit and did the hand shaking congratulations thing. 

On my drive home, I opened an email from Boss #2 asking had I really had both tenants in the office and hadn't had them sign the lease. I responded "yes that is correct." I couldn't print a clean copy of the lease as you had it open. I knew at 1:30 pm today that I was screwed if I printed the lease draft and had them sign it or if I let them go without signing. 

Somehow this will be elevated to Defcom 1 and there will be a sermon tomorrow by Boss #2 who will be in town. 

Or maybe I will be fired tomorrow and then I can skip the speech and the painfully condescending discussion about what part of not thinking or doing on my own am I not getting? I need to find a 12 step program to help me move from survivor to thriver.

I am so torn because each time I disappoint them, I really want to show them badly their system is not working. I should be thriving with them. 

I hear Theresa telling me to stop trying to get them (my ex) to understand. They can't. They won't. I know she is correct that not everyone sits down each night and thinks about their portion of what is not going right in their world. I hear you girl, but it is hard for me to accept. 

Boss #2 has been very clear with me that they are very content with their way of doing business and that they are not interested in change. They won't or can't trust.

I don't like giving up. I don't like crying at work.