#34 Be A Love Machine was what I flipped to this morning. In order to be a love machine, we need to give love to everyone we meet throughout the day.
She includes a sweet little prayer that you can say to the people in 20 items or less line that have easily 63 items or to the people you pass in the hallways, "I pray for you to have a blessed day." You can say it silently, so you don't freak everyone out.
"If you can't see God in all, you can't see God at all." Yogi Bhajan
Gabrielle also believes you can substitute "Love" for "God" if that works better for you. If you can't see Love in all, you can't see Love at all.
It has been very easy for me to fool myself into believing that I could walk this spiritual path with my heart & soul full of poison and anger. Reading that I should see love in everyone, even the people I don't feel deserve it, has been very hard for me.
I do not want to love my ex husband. He is an ass. He is mean and controlling and domineering and radiates hate and anger towards me. He actually does go out of his way to fuck with me on a regular basis. Not more than 3 weeks go by with out him feeling some slight and starting another round of divorce battle through our court mandated mediator for anything around our children.
It is a huge battle each morning when I close my eyes and see him surrounded by loving white protective light and pray that he forgives me, that I can forgive him, and that he is blessed with abundance and love. Some days, I feel my guts churn while I try to relax into this prayer. I know I don't want to carry this poison with me each day. I know I don't want to damage my body holding all of this anger and hate within myself.
And yet, every week there is a text or an email or a comment that sends me into anger, shame, and hate and I undo all of the forgiving I have done all week.
I wish he would forgive me and put his hate aside although I doubt this will ever happen as he still carries hate for the wife before me. I asked him during our 16 year marriage if he would please forgive her and let his anger go so that I could receive the love from him that I deserved.
It appears that I knew even then that you can't really love when your heart is full of hate.
I knew he never gave me his heart. He had it protected and hidden away. He didn't pull it out of hiding to forgive her. He couldn't. Because he didn't pull it out, it was never given to me. I married and stayed with a man for 16 years waiting to be worthy of his love. Waiting for him to trust me with his heart. That is an awful way to exist, waiting and hoping.
He couldn't forgive her, because in his eyes that would mean admitting what she had done was justified and right. That anger keeps him justified in his rightness and righteousness. That anger has kept him warm for over two decades.
I do not want to be like him. I really, really do not want to be like him. It pisses me daily that he can ignite an anger so large and consuming in me. I can feel the ickyness inside me.
So I pray. Praying is all I really have left to deal with this. I pray that he forgive me for leaving him. I pray that he forgives me for everything he feel I did to him, every disappointment, every slight, every wrong. I pray that I can forgive myself for disrupting everyone's lives in the process of divorce.
I am going to be a love machine all week. This is a good week at work to have been given this message. Today I will be printing out all of the 3 Day Demands for Rent to be posted on their front doors for everyone who hasn't paid rent for October. 3 Days from today, they will be sent to the lawyer so that we can gain possession of the property they were renting. I have about two weeks of unhappy people each month.
Reading the prayer this morning gave me a response or "fix" for each person who comes in to my office to tell me their sad story about how they cannot pay their rent this month or for the people who come in to yell at me about why they can't pay all of the fees I have dinged them with because they can't pay their rent on-time this month, I shall sit back in my chair, exhale loudly and slowly and mentally speak, "I pray for you to have a blessed day." as they storm out of the office screaming and muttering. I cannot pay their rent for them. I cannot fix their broke ass drama filled lives.
I can offer my silent prayer out to the universe on their behalf.
I really love this. It feels so much better than the "fuck you," that I normally hear in my head as they leave. It feels empowering to have a positive reply to the ugliness and desperation that get dropped at my feet daily.
Me pushing through with all of my might is not getting me where I want to be. I feel like a salmon swimming upstream.
Normally I pull one card from my Angel Oracle Deck while thinking "what do I need to focus on today?" Every once in a while I am feeling super unfocused and uncertain and I pull a 3 Card Reading.
My situation card was the Relationship card. I am out of the forest as shown on the card, things are smoothing out with my relationships. My what I need to do card was the Daydream Card, to spend time thinking about what I want my future to look like. To figure out what will make me happy so the universe bring it to me and my future card if I do what I have been directed to was the There's Nothing to Worry About Card!!!
My Angels could not have been more direct in telling me to listen, but to what? Clearly I am on the right path, but I am at a fork in the road dammit! Do I stay? Do I go? Which way? I think my Angels are giggling at this reading. I may need to just get a ouija board so they can spell out "FUCKING SURRENDER BITCH!"
Because I don't know any better yet, I will keep praying for guidance on how to love the people I don't want to and those I do not think deserve it. I will keep praying that God puts the tools and the people in my path (directly in my path with a big burning sign) to help me figure this forgiveness & surrendering thing out.
I will keep praying for guidance. I will be a love machine sending out love and blessing to all those around me and I will try do a little day dreaming this week.
I pray for you to have a blessed day; really I do!!