Yesterday my Angel card was Listen.
"You received this card because the Angels wish to get their message through to you. "
Wow, sorry Angels, no need to get snotty, right?! I get it, "through to you!"
"If it seems they are not answering, it's because you're not listening to their answers. Retreat to a quiet place with the intent of listening to your Angels."
Again, wow & sorry Angels. Fine I am not listening. I am too scared to listen.
Today my Angel card was Daydream.
"You will more easily hear & receive our messages if you daydream regularly."
When the hell do I have time to freakin daydream? Guess I could have yesterday either of the two times my car wouldn't start and I have forced down time.
I remember being 11 or 12 and our minister was at our house, and was talking to me about my upcoming baptism. I asked why God didn't just clearly talk to me. He has the power to and has chosen to. I asked why when I prayed for direction didn't he just make the mobile hanging from my ceiling move. The minister told me That God didn't do things like that because it would scare the crap out of us if things started moving & if I started hearing voices.
OK, so that makes sense, kinda.
Yes it would freak me out, for a while & would probably lead to me getting irritated with the constant interruptions & I would probably get pissed at the lack of free will, but damn it would make the hard, scary, anxious days easier and it feels like their are so many more hard uncertain days than there are the easy ones where I am not asking for direction.
The two evenings I don't have the kids would be perfect "get quiet" times, but I seem to fill those nights quickly with extra hours at work to make up for leaving early the days I have the kids. Or I fill them up with errands I don't want to run with the kids. Or best yet, I piss them away being exhausted & going to bed before 9 p.m.
I have been so out of alignment with my soul for so long that I think I have come to fear being quiet & listening because I grew weary of listening to the hard things/choices I should have been making and didn't want to. Now getting quiet & listening feels like bad friend torture where you have to endure hours of "I told you so's" and "you should have's".
I need to make peace with quiet again so I can hear the answers I am praying for.
I heard Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love tell Oprah that one way to know if the guidance you are receiving is from God or your ego, is that God or the Divine is not about judgement. How weird is that to believe that when God talks to us it isn't in judgement. Boy that feels so contrary to the messages I got growing up. She says that the voice we hear that judges us or makes us feel bad for mistakes is our ego.
I love the idea that God is only love and only wants love & joy for us.
I love the idea that the hurtful, angry, judging voice that makes me feel wrong & bad & stupid is my ego, not God.
If I really want guidance, then I need to make getting quiet a big priority right now. Kinda sucks to spend so much time praying and asking for guidance, and then keep myself so busy and sick that I can't hear the answers I was asking for. I love starting mornings out realizing that I am my own biggest problem, not.
I know that when life is spinning out of control and the pressure is on that this is the most important time to stop and listen, but it is very hard to quiet the horrid inner dialogue to hear the guidance I am requesting. I am worried that like the past few years, I will not like the answers that come. That I will not want to heed their wisdom. That they will be the hard decisions that I have not wanted to make.
I am going to be practical and choose to set aside 30 minutes of quiet per day. Maybe as I get a few days behind me, I won't be so fearful of listening and daydreaming. Maybe the messages won't be as bad as I have feared. Maybe even if there are hard decisions ahead, I will make them because I know they are the answer to my prayers.
My question to all of you is, how do you hear God or whomever your higher power is speak to you? When you pray or meditate or get quiet to receive guidance, how does it come to you? How do you receive the answers to your prayers?