Yesterday afternoon I stopped by the house to check in on my sick boyfriend & then to do two quick home inspections before calling it a day. As I pulled away from the house, I thought that I should throw the address into to the GPS thing on my phone as I know the general location of the homes, but I can never remember the fastest route there.
I typed it in & she starts talking to me. She, my lovely lime green iPhone, starts taking me in the absurd path that requires me to turn around to get onto 17th, when 16th drops me off at the exact same location. 16th curves right into 17th a half a mile up the road. I do not know why she can't learn that I am just going to take 16th until I get to the main road.
I keep telling her "no". No I won't turn around. No I won't take this left. No I won't wait while she recalculates.
I can't prove it, but there are times when without me touching the phone at all, her voice gets louder, almost yelling at me.
After reaching the point where 16th street dumps me onto 17th street, I negotiate my way onto the main road. Here is where things got a little heavy. My lovely phone tells me to get in the left lane. Easy enough, right?
Not for me. I have plugged in the address & now feel the need to quickly check that it looks like she & I were both talking about the same end location, but she has made me pass the left hand turn I would have made if I were in charge, I am worried maybe she is fucking with me since I blatantly ignored her request for me to make any of the 6 left hand turns that would have put me on 17th street. I pick up my phone & try to make it show me the overview of where she is taking me because the left hand turn she wants me to make now will put me on the highway?!?
Being from Northern Virginia, I have no problem merging onto a highway at a proper speed, nor do I fear highways. However in my little town, it really isn't necessary for me to ever get on the highway?
After checking the "overview" of where she is taking me, I tell her that the highway is not the easiest route to get to these houses. I am telling her that the easiest route was to make the left back on whatever that streets name is and then it just winds over to Garden of the Gods, then you make a right & go over to Centennial and then I think it is just straight from there!
Her reply was dripping with sarcasm. "Melissa," she said, "you are terribly hardheaded. My way will get you where you need to be without having to make the two u-turns that you normally make as you notice too slowly that you passed the street you were looking for. If you weren't so vain, you would get glasses so you could read the street signs in advance of passing them."
She continued her rant with, "Just listen to the sound of my voice with both hands on the wheel instead of blindly grabbing at me trying to get me into overview mode to see where I am taking you. Melissa, you know you plugged in the correct address, so trust me to get you there in the projected time I have displayed."
As I turned onto the familiar road of Centennial, she told me in 1.4 miles to make the left hand turn to my destination. After she verified I moved into the left lane, she finished her psychotherapy session with me by stating, "You never take the easiest, most direct path, ever. Given the choice, which you always seem to think there is a choice, you choose the longest, windiest, most convoluted path to where you think your destination is. I am not certain you even know where you are headed most days. I think you lose focus and are missing the needed signs."
Her voice sounded softer when she said, "Things would be so much easier for you Melissa, if you would just slow down and listen to my direction. I will get you there at the projected time if you would just trust me and follow my directions." Then I heard her sigh and groan.
I thanked her for caring so very much & turned her off so I could go in and perform the house inspections.
Inspections complete, I said my goodbyes and headed to my car. I was going to turn her back on to direct me home, but then I remembered that finding my way back home using side streets and scenic routes, like passing Gardens of the Gods park are not the quickest most direct route home, but the meandering scenic path will always be my choice.
I plugged her in since she had used up so very much energy during her rant and I turned her off so she could recharge for tomorrows barrage of telling me to take a left onto 17th street.
For iPhone users- is there a way to change the voice in the navigation system guidance? Just checking!