I hope that you are ok. I have been very worried about you. It makes me very sad that no one seems to be helping you or taking care of you. But part of me doesn't want to know what is going on because I know I can fix or change or make any of it better. Most days, I just want to pretend you are still in Germany having awesome adventures, but I know the adventures ended a long, long time ago.
It makes me sad that you are in such bad shape that you can't take care of yourself like you should be able to. It is very hard watching you age so quickly. It is totally not what I had expected would happen.
I need to tell you that I love you and I miss you.
I cannot imagine what life is like for someone who is used to being surrounded by people and laughter and life to live in such quiet.
I cannot image what it must be like to lose your mobility and ability to be self sufficient. I hope that people come to visit and that the visits are good.
I hope that you find things and moments in each day that bring you some joy and peace.
While things are very different than I envisioned they would be for you and me, I pray you know I love you and think of you often. I wish you were able to get here to see your grandchildren. I wish they had an opportunity to get to know you better. I hope that you will be online again soon so you can see how much they are growing and how fabulous they are.
I hope that if you are able to get back online, that you will take photos and up load them so we can see what you see out your window.
I hope that you will forgive me for the anger I carry around that you wont get and stay sober. I feel cheated out of so much time with you. I understand that you don't feel you can stay sober and that you probably don't see the worth of it at this point. But I do. I love when I call and you sound sober. I don't like when I call and you are not sober.
I feel very cheated out of having involved parents. I feel very cheated out of having grandparents for my kids.
I am sure you feel cheated too, especially now.
I keep wanting you to wake up and realize that while you can't walk or drive, you could still have a fulfilling life. You can be physically incapable of many things, but if you would stop drinking, you could still be of value to your friends and family and your community. I wish you could remember you have many gifts still to give to the world.
You could help other men like you. I remember you telling me when you went to rehab last year that you couldn't connect with anyone there because they weren't like you, that they were too different.
I enjoyed hearing Mom tell her story at one of her milestone AA meetings and it left me wanting to learn so much more about her. It is very interesting to listen to your parent recall important moments at their lowest and then to hear how they used those moments to crawl out of the hell they were in.
I would love to hear your story. I want to make sense of what happened to you. I can't help that I want to figure out the why's. I want to see what patterns we share. I want to know what parts of me come from you. I want to make sense of my own damage and hurt. There is still a little kid in me who wants to make sense of why you weren't present and didn't love me enough to get sober for me. I want to know why you gave up, what was the last final straw. Selfishly, I want to create order in my world of chaos. I want the answers that never make it better, like they promise to.
I can't imagine what your world was like and what lead you to seek escape. I can't imagine what would keep you sober for several years and then take you down again. I can't imagine what keeps stealing you away from us.
That is just me wishing my dad would remember the great man he used to be and how many lives he touched when he had focus and clarity. You have a story to tell and share and could still be a lighthouse for others. It is very hard to witness you giving up.
Mamaw said there is a doctor that feels he can fix some of your physical problems. I hope that you will let them take you to him to get the surgery. I know that would feel good to feel in control of that part of your life.
My friend Bryan is an IT guy. He said if you need help cleaning up your computer so it will work again or work faster and better to let me know. He can have you log into a website and he can remotely clean up and fix any problems. I would love to see you back in the virtual world again.
Let me know if he can help. Let me know if I can help.
My task this week was to make sure I have said everything I need to say.
I love you so much and am so very angry that you won't care of your self like you would advise me to if I was in your shoes. I want you sober. I want your health under control. I want you fighting for a chance to live.
I love you Dad! Happy Birthday!