5 years ago I started working on making myself happy & figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.
I have heard Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love speak several times now about the holy quest. She talks about how every culture, from the dawn of man has had a holy quest story.
What she only briefly touches on is that there aren't many holy quest stories for women. You don't often hear about the women who set off on a holy quest. More often we hear about women making do, getting through and putting themselves last on the list. Women usually play the role of needing to be rescued or are part of the prize in the holy quest.
I am a woman who hears the beat of the drum to start my holy quest. I heard it the first time 5 years ago. I have traveled a small bit on my own prior to having children. It is so wonderful and feels so selfish. Just me making all of the decisions, from where to eat, to where to spend the day and how long you stay in one place.
Motherhood currently pushes out my long solo quest off into the future. However, I want to be able to share with my kids that I am going to answer this call someday soon. There was too much sex and drugs in the movie for me to share it with my kids now, but I will own a copy as soon as it comes out so I can watch it again and one day share this woman's story with them. I want them to know there is a beat they may hear that leads them on a horrible and fabulous journey of self discovery.
Having to wait a bit until they are all grown up gives me time to make the money needed to keep my life moving & my bills being paid while I explore. I need to start a savings jar so that I feel it is really going to happen. I don't know where my epic holy quest will take me, so it is hard to start planning, yet...
Watching the movie Wild made the drum beat match my heart beat. I can hear it now as surely as I can feel it.
There is no more denying it. I will take a great solo quest. I might even need to plan some smaller mini-quests or "bite size" as Elizabeth said in an interview with Oprah to get me through until I can really jump into a long term plan.
I keep getting the Angel card "Day Dream." This card is supposed to spur me to spend time thinking about what I want. The thought is the clearer you can get, the easier it is to create or manifest the life you desire.
When I daydream, what I see is me, just me.
I don't think I am alone. I can't imagine being alone. I don't know what it feels like to be alone. I know that I pray that I will always have love, friendship and my kids in my life. But when I daydream, what I keep seeing is me. Me. Just me.
It is almost unnerving to let that settle into my head.
Could I be really be alone? Or is what I am seeing just my personal quest?
I can't image not seeing my boyfriend, kids or my girlfriends but in my day dream they aren't present.
I broached this subject yesterday with my boyfriend, "so what would you think if I told you I wanted to go on a solo long term quest?" He told me that he would miss me of course. Then he turned the question back to me, how would I feel if he told me he wanted to be alone for a year.
Honestly, I would miss him a great deal as we have spent every day together for the past few years. Full days of working together and then living together. It would seem weird to not curl up with him at night and not share meals together. But mostly I would be insanely jealous that he was getting to take off on a fucking quest.
Maybe I could be happy if I could go on my quest at the same time, so I didn't have to feel guilty being gone or pissed that he was getting to go.
I feel a sense of guilt writing that I desire to be alone. But both Eat, Pray, Love and Wild ignite a fire in me that makes me want to pack my backs and just go.
I want to know what it is like to keep my own company. I want to know not asking permission or coordinating, just freedom.
I want the time and silence to allow my shit to float up into my consciousness.
What would it be like to have no outside stimulus? To only hear my demons and my angels?
Go see Wild on the big screen while you can. Get the book too. I can't wait to get the book and read it. Go see the movie, then send me your itinerary plan of your own epic quest so I can add it to the list of places to research.
Can you hear the drums?