I so needed to read this post on Facebook by Anne Lamott, Reluctant (read the entire post here)
Here is an excerpt from her post:
"But I got fixated on it, like a helicopter mom, and had begun researching "mini neck lifts." One reads about them everywhere--less invasive, less recovery time, local anesthesia. Magic! Yay.
Yet I am a feminist, a passionate supporter of women's rights, a follower of Jesus, especially His pleas that we take care of His poor.
So I thought I couldn't actually do it. But I was ashamed after the first of the year that I thought of it so constantly and of my conviction that I wanted to do it, and ashamed of my shame about it.
Obviously, I needed to fix this situation, which--left to my own devices--is my battle cry.
But I'm NOT left to my own devices. I believe in two things, God and my friends. They are both Love, and they stay close to me no matter how awful I am being.
Both have very low standards, which is all I have going for myself.
So I tried to heal myself of my obsessed and ashamed mind with my obsessive and ashamed mind. You know how well that works. Then I found myself in church. It was a nightmare, as my large heavy head had insisted on accompanying me.
But they say that when all else fails to follow instructions, so, it being church and all, I did what they say. It was silent confession. My usual confession is, "Look--I think we both know what we have on our hands here." But last Sunday, I said in silence that I was hating on myself for wanting a mini neck lift, and for being totally obsessed, in the face of my community's and world's profound suffering.
And in the silence, I heard a voice say, gently, "It's okay."
It was shocking. I opened my eyes to the sound, but all 25 congregants had their eyes closed. I gaped. It's okay? Wait--what?
And that was it--that it is okay to want a necklift, and it is okay to be screwed up and human and sad and cuckoo.
I started laughing to myself. This literally had not occurred to me.
Grace as spiritual WD-40, as buoyancy, as vitamins, 2nd winds. I got into serious affection with myself. I said to myself, "It's okay. Get a neck lift, don't get a neck lift. I'm right here, either way." --Anne Lamott
I can so relate to her internal dialogue and beating herself up.
I feel like I am letting God down by not taking the leap I think he has put before me. I needed to hear, "do or don't do," that he will still love me and be with me. I feel so much pressure to know what to do next, to be still, to hear the guidance I am seeking. To lift my foot and take that first step forward, to make that big leap. To not screw up again.
Honestly, I am flippin' tired of every decisions being so damn monumental. I am just tired.
I need to cut myself some damn slack.
Most days I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, that I am keeping the earth spinning & chaos at bay for all that I love.
I know all about fixation & obsession as they are my bed partners. They like to tap me on the shoulder at 3 am every night to remind me of every aspect of my life that I am fucking up in and procrastinating.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription to help me sleep through their tapping. Hopefully if I can break the insomnia cycle I will feel better and more relaxed. I am doing so much future tripping lately that I have found myself missing whole days without being present in the moment.
Here is my plan for Extreme Self Care for this weekend:
Dinner with my girlfriend. Laughter and tears, without judgement or worry. Walls down, exposed and relaxed. Everyone should have a friend or two where you can shed your persona and just be spirit.
A hot bath, scented with something earthy.
Medication to help me sleep tonight.
Sleep through the visit of fixation & obsession. It is truly impressive what one can accomplish with 7 or 8 hours sleep fueling them.
Tomorrow, Living Social Snow Shoeing Trip bought last spring that hasn't expired yet! I need some outside time to breathe. I cannot wait to hear the crunch, crunch of the snow.
Even while writing this I started future tripping thinking, hopefully if I can relax this weekend, I will feel more have a more productive week next week. My head thinks that if I take down time today that I will have to work harder tomorrow. Man I need to meditate and get present. Maybe for just 5 minutes. Maybe 5 minutes is so little time that my brain won't even recognize that I am slacking?!
I need to allow myself to relax. I am giving myself permission to put down the weight of the world for just a little bit this weekend.
I am sure one of you will pick it up for me and keep the world spinning, right?