After years watching my friends start businesses, I have finally found what I have been looking for.
It wasn't cookware, or essential oils, or baskets although I have enjoyed supporting them and purchasing and filling my house with some really cool stuff.
My business is love & passion & joy & speaking our truths!
This is one of those everything in a box program that comes with human support and tons of videos.
Open the box, watch it explode all over your house and go!
I have started a jar to save up for the licensing and initial product. I need about $3000 so I am starting now to put aside any money I can and I will try to attend one of the programs to see how someone else runs their program.
Just one of those things that has been in my head for about a month now that I need to commit to so that on the difficult days when I feel lost and beaten, I can remind myself I am working towards my goals.
This is just one of the ways I will create a life where I can support myself and my children!
I feel like each day I am stepping into the reality of what I want to be when I grow up. It feels so freakin awesome! 43 years old and I am figuring it all out and it is all coming together!
I get to have the life of my dreams for several decades to come!
I am really going to try to not write 30 posts about the movie Wild, but honestly, I can't promise that.. I loved this movie. I have not felt so personally moved by a movie since Eat, Pray, Love. That movie spurred my waking up to notice how far down the important list I had put myself.
5 years ago I started working on making myself happy & figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.
I have heard Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love speak several times now about the holy quest. She talks about how every culture, from the dawn of man has had a holy quest story.
What she only briefly touches on is that there aren't many holy quest stories for women. You don't often hear about the women who set off on a holy quest. More often we hear about women making do, getting through and putting themselves last on the list. Women usually play the role of needing to be rescued or are part of the prize in the holy quest.
I am a woman who hears the beat of the drum to start my holy quest. I heard it the first time 5 years ago. I have traveled a small bit on my own prior to having children. It is so wonderful and feels so selfish. Just me making all of the decisions, from where to eat, to where to spend the day and how long you stay in one place.
Motherhood currently pushes out my long solo quest off into the future. However, I want to be able to share with my kids that I am going to answer this call someday soon. There was too much sex and drugs in the movie for me to share it with my kids now, but I will own a copy as soon as it comes out so I can watch it again and one day share this woman's story with them. I want them to know there is a beat they may hear that leads them on a horrible and fabulous journey of self discovery.
Having to wait a bit until they are all grown up gives me time to make the money needed to keep my life moving & my bills being paid while I explore. I need to start a savings jar so that I feel it is really going to happen. I don't know where my epic holy quest will take me, so it is hard to start planning, yet...
Watching the movie Wild made the drum beat match my heart beat. I can hear it now as surely as I can feel it.
There is no more denying it. I will take a great solo quest. I might even need to plan some smaller mini-quests or "bite size" as Elizabeth said in an interview with Oprah to get me through until I can really jump into a long term plan.
I keep getting the Angel card "Day Dream." This card is supposed to spur me to spend time thinking about what I want. The thought is the clearer you can get, the easier it is to create or manifest the life you desire.
When I daydream, what I see is me, just me.
I don't think I am alone. I can't imagine being alone. I don't know what it feels like to be alone. I know that I pray that I will always have love, friendship and my kids in my life. But when I daydream, what I keep seeing is me. Me. Just me.
It is almost unnerving to let that settle into my head.
Could I be really be alone? Or is what I am seeing just my personal quest?
I can't image not seeing my boyfriend, kids or my girlfriends but in my day dream they aren't present.
I broached this subject yesterday with my boyfriend, "so what would you think if I told you I wanted to go on a solo long term quest?" He told me that he would miss me of course. Then he turned the question back to me, how would I feel if he told me he wanted to be alone for a year.
Honestly, I would miss him a great deal as we have spent every day together for the past few years. Full days of working together and then living together. It would seem weird to not curl up with him at night and not share meals together. But mostly I would be insanely jealous that he was getting to take off on a fucking quest.
Maybe I could be happy if I could go on my quest at the same time, so I didn't have to feel guilty being gone or pissed that he was getting to go.
I feel a sense of guilt writing that I desire to be alone. But both Eat, Pray, Love and Wild ignite a fire in me that makes me want to pack my backs and just go.
I want to know what it is like to keep my own company. I want to know not asking permission or coordinating, just freedom.
I want the time and silence to allow my shit to float up into my consciousness.
What would it be like to have no outside stimulus? To only hear my demons and my angels?
Go see Wild on the big screen while you can. Get the book too. I can't wait to get the book and read it. Go see the movie, then send me your itinerary plan of your own epic quest so I can add it to the list of places to research.
Can you hear the drums?
I am a whole lotta lost right now on the woulda, coulda, shoulda highway. I am leaning into the curves as best I can while keeping all four wheels on the road.
Just keep going.
Just keep swimming.
I keep getting out of bed each day, super excited to write, which is probably why I keep getting out of bed every day. I come to work and fix what I can and document what I cannot. I answer all of the emails and respond to most of the phone calls. I am ready for a new work. I am putting my feelers out.
Until it finds me or I stumble upon it, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. All I know to do is to keep moving mostly forward.
My Angels will keep giving me the Steady Progress card to keep gently reminding me that even though the progress is not as fast as I would like it to be, that I am in fact moving forward.
I am a writer. I am working towards being a published writer! Each day I am taking small steps that are creating the life I desire.
I will keep looking for new work that will support me having time to write.
I will work Melissa's 12 Step Program (which Jason pointed out actually has 13 steps) as featured in A Bad Case of the Sundays and practice as much self care as I can to keep myself moving forward. I need to sleep. I need to laugh. I need to fill my head and heart with art & words & emotions that move me to empty my brain by writing.
As Joan Didion so perfectly said, " I write entirely to find out what I am thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."
I am embracing being a writer & storyteller. I am loving how it feels to settle into the future where I have several books written and out of my head.
Time to buckle up and just keep going.
I have been waiting for the universe to give me permission to proceed with my life. Waiting for a sign that it was ok for me to be happy again. Waiting for a sign that is was safe.
Those signs can show up in the most unlikely of ways. Everyday you have the power to be someone's sign that they are safe and that they should try something. If you don't think one person can make a difference, you are very wrong.
I think too many of us feel that if we can't change the world with our one time action, then why bother. We are all thinking too big picture. In this crazy fast moving world it is easy to lose sight of the day to day impact you can make & the day to day impact you are already making in the world.
My girlfriend Theresa & I have been plotting & discussing & planning ways to find & live our passion & live the fabulous creative lives we were both born to live; aka day dreaming. One of my favorite things to do with my friends is eat. I love sharing a meal with people I love. It makes my whole meal experience go from nourishment of my body to nourishment of my soul. While sharing a meal with Theresa this summer we both agreed to hold each other accountable for starting one of our projects. She listed off some ideas for me to follow up on to get started.
35 minutes after leaving her, I had already researched Weebly, bought my domain & was setting up the basic front page of my blog. I had been waiting for someone to tell me it was OK for me to follow my passion and that it was OK for me to be a writer.
I remember writing and enjoying writing around the third grade, which is when I remember falling in love with reading. Having a library card was just about the grandest thing I owned and I could spend hours wandering the aisles at the library waiting for the right book to leap off the shelf; and twenty some years later I still lose hours regularly at my local library.
I have been trying to figure out why I haven't been writing for the past 20 years, what has held me back from being a "writer." I have a couple of my journals that I wrote poetry in during my late teens & twenties. It is all horribly sad and painful and yet I am so happy I documented my life in words that take me back to where I was sitting when I wrote them and to remind me how I used my quiet moments alone.
I also have found some of the emails I sent out to all of my friends & family every couple of weeks and months where I detailed my pregnancies and life as a new mother. My emails were the blogs back in the day. I had a personal web site where I posted photos so everyone could share my children's first solid meals & steps.
Blogging is the perfect medium for me because I can create what I see & hear in my head. The music & words & photos are easy to lay out in a share-able format.
Theresa gave me permission and told me I would need to tell her what I had come up with next time I saw her. I texted her after I closed my laptop and told her, "done!". My soul was so ready to get this started that all I needed was one person not telling me it was a stupid idea & not asking me why I thought I was special enough that anyone would bother reading my shit.
All I needed was one person, just casually saying yes you should try this idea of yours.
I have plenty of people who are asking what I am going to do with this and how do I see supporting myself with this? I have no idea. It fills my heart with joy and that is all I need it to do. That is actually a huge fucking job! I have existed for so many years with an empty place in my soul that I couldn't figure out how to heal, then a casual mention to research blogging and now my soul is overflowing with joy! Having this feeling of joy is priceless and a gift in an of it's self. It has raised my energy and is allowing me to reach out to people who need to connect.
I think many of us live unfulfilled because we have been told that if we can find our life's passion it should be something big enough to support us financially. If not, what is the use?
If our paintings can't sale for huge dollar amounts or be sold at all, what is the use of spending all of the money on canvas, good brushes and paint? Or if you can't win on a talent show or aren't good enough for a record deal, why sing? Because you have to, you won't know how fabulous your life can be until you own your passion!
Each of us is given skills and tools to make this world brighter and more colorful and funkier than it has ever been. Each time you share your joy, someone else gets to connect with you and it might be the connection that saves their life by inspiring them to wake up and live and share their own personal joy. Sharing your joy and passion is the best gift you can bring to each day on this planet!
Taking the first step by blogging, honoring my writers soul has given me the answer to my scared negative friends, most of us will not support ourselves & families with our passion. There is great value in finding your passion and having a day job. It is where you will draw strength on the difficult, challenging days life will hand you. It is what you will cling to and turn to when life is beating you down.
Honoring our passion & using our special gifts changes our experience on this earth. If you haven't figured out what your passion is, I recommend you start find people who have and hang out with them, often. Watching & listening to them tell you all the exciting and cool stuff they are a part of and doing should help you find one new thing to try.
You have to be actively living to find your passion.
If you don't have cool active people in your life, get some. Go online & find some local groups to visit. Try new things.
In Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Miracles Now" she writes that one of her Kundalini masters told her that "90 percent of the practice was just showing up to class or sitting on the mat." page 93, 94 Miracle Message #39 Just Show Up.
If you aren't ready to go out and try new things, figure out what causes are important to you. What topic has a group you can volunteer at? Groups that support people in need or at risk always need volunteers to help. Aren't ready for people interaction? These same groups also need envelopes stuffed, databases repaired, & filing and scanning.
If even that is too big & scary, remember that every day, all day you interact with people and the energy you bring is your responsibility. Choose to be aware of your presence and offer kindness.
For any of you who are waiting for the universe to tell you to proceed, this is the universe speaking through me this morning and it asked me to let you know that you are safe to proceed; you are loved and supported and will find the joy you have been searching for if you will just take that first small step forward.
If you are presented with a moment to tell someone to follow their dream, take it and speak the words to them. Be that voice of assurance that they have been waiting on.
What one small step can you take today towards your dream?
This piece was selected by www.herfuture.com as a featured Blog We Dig! http://www.herfuture.com/profiles/blogs/twinkle-twinkle-little-star