Having had to make some difficult choices myself over the past few years, I finally found a place in my heart where I could see her again through my own eyes as a mother. I am blessed life has smacked the shit out of me enough to allow the hole in my heart (& head) to open and really accept her love back into my life. I am very grateful to have reached a place in my life where I am meeting my mom as a grown up and not as an angry teenager.
It has taken most of my life, but now that I am here, it feels really freakin wonderful. Now that I can look back without so much pain and anger. Now that I am learning about emotional pathology I have so many more questions and thoughts about what we share as women.
Here are the ones I needed to get out today:
I think my mom grew up thinking she was going to do something with her life. I wonder if she, like me felt destined for something big?
I wonder who stole that from her?
She was growing up in a time when women started working outside the home. I think she wanted to be something so she could show everyone she was worth it and worthy. I think, like me, she wanted to prove she was enough.
I also think she wanted out of her house and out of that little town.
I don't know what she saw in my dad. From time to time I have known him to be a big dreamer. There is an allure to being with a dreamer & buying into their plan.
I do believe that he was drunk when he proposed to my mom. As this didn't end up being a deal breaker with her, I have to assume she thought she could fix him. Lately, I have begun to wonder how bad her life must have been that my dad looked like the answer to a prayer.
She got pregnant very early in their marriage. They were married Aug. 1, 1970 and I was born Aug. 12, 1971. I feel like she blamed me for keeping her from getting to see the world and get a job and start her life. In some of her worst parenting moments she hurled ugliness to me that she wished I hadn't been born.
I do not think all of us are made for parenting. For far too long I was very pissed that I got two selfish & damaged parents, but then I became a parent and learned how very hard it is to juggle being my own person, being a wife and being a mother. It is exceptionally hard to juggle when you find you do not like one or more of the balls you are juggling. There just isn't enough time to fix your own shit, let alone your spouse's.
How many times in her 20 year marriage did she try to fix her marriage? How many times did she try to just focus on saving herself. When the hell did she carve out time to recharge? How many times did she just want to give up? Just what the hell did she envision old age with him was going to be like? Why didn't she leave him? or did she & I just don't know?
Many days my head is full of questions I want to ask her. I am writing them down in hope of finding time to get to know her, really know her, like I do my girlfriends.
I am very blessed she is alive and hoping she will help me understand who she is.