I couldn't write down what she was saying and participate, so participation won out, but a one point she said, "On top of everything else I am already doing, having to do, I am shoulding all over myself." I had to stop and write that little beauty down.
Holy shit, me too. I thought, wow, there's a name for this? I have been shoulding all over myself for about 4 years. Shoulding all over oneself is very messy.
I should be making more money at this age. I should be higher up on the corporate ladder by now. I should have dropped this last 15 pounds by now. I should have found my soul mate by now. I should have a book written by now. I should have gone to college. I should have gone back to school. I should have a savings account for emergencies. I should be farther along paying off my debt. I should have Christmas money sat aside to purchase my gifts. I should have known better than to trust her. I should have gotten a raise. I should have left him sooner. I should have called her more. I should have eaten better. I should have worked harder. I should have taken more photos. I should have hugged him more. I should have told her I loved her. I should have called a cab or friend to take me home. I should have said no. I should have put my phone down and enjoyed his company. I should have rolled over, snuggled up to him and said I was sorry. I should have told him to never speak to me that way again. I should have told him to fuck off. I should have stood up for myself. I should have stood up for my friend. I should have told her I was proud of her. I should have told him even though I didn't bring him into this world, that he will always be my child. I should have told her how much it would mean to me if she came. I should have just cried and took comfort in her arms.
Should and more is repeated in most of those sentences. I should do more. Which translates into I am not enough and I am not worthy.
Shoulding is very harmful to your life. It makes you believe you failed and that there is no chance to try again; game over you are done. The more I learn and accept about the constant change life presents us with, the more I know I have to stop shoulding all over my own life.
First, I have to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I know I am doing the best I can with what I have; financially & emotionally. My success and happiness is just about me, not about measuring up next to those around me. We all want such different things and have different definition of success and happiness.
Second, I need to take a deep breath and exhale and sit in this moment of happiness and contentedness. I am very blessed. I live in a country where I have rights, choice and a vote in my future. I need to spend more time noticing and celebrating all of the small successes and blessings that are in my life. In this present moment I am truly full of peace and joy. In this present moment is where I need to strive to stay. No guilt over the past and no worry about tomorrow. Just focus on the now.
Third, I need to remember that I can change any of my should's to DONE's! This story, my story is no where near done. I can revise and edit right up until they are tossing dirt into my grave. If I am blessed, I will be able to channel my unearthly thoughts to some divine medium and will get some last minute edits for my tombstone! :)
Of all of the things I totally rock at, doing a "do-over" is something I have found great comfort in. Screw asking if I can do a do-over, I just do it. There is such power and peace in changing your mind or actions. There is such beauty in realizing your error and making the proper corrections. There is such mental peace at allowing yourself to start anew with the rising sun. Even when those around you look at you like you have lost your mind, go ahead and change your mind until your thoughts and actions align with your heart.
Fourth, remember that it has to be in your own right time. No one else can set your time limits and time frames. Screw those that say you are wishy-washy. Don't be rushed into making the wrong decisions to meet someone else's deadlines. Keep evaluating things, situations, and people until you can sit in the rightness of your choices.
It is very easy to look back and think about what you should have done. It is very easy to beat yourself up once you reach a point where you can look back with a different view of the options you had available. Successful people do not get stuck here, they re-evaluate and move on. They view each failure or missed moment as a chance to try something new or to try the same thing again with more gusto!
I want to be a successful person who keeps working at my life each day to make sure I am doing what makes me happy and brings my life peace and joy! Each day, I find an odd peace in accepting that I alone am responsible for my life. Things are going to happen to me and around me, but I get to choose how I react and if I allow them to be defining moments in my life.