The majority of tarot cards I have picked over the past few weeks have all been very positive and focused. Daydream card, Go For It card, You Are Supported and such. I get super happy when I see such positive response. As I read the meaning behind the card, I feel deflated. Each mentions your dream, follow your dream. The problem is I stopped having dreams. Dreams and hope aren't safe to have. The easiest way to have something quashed or taken from you is to state your intentions out loud. Probably best to swallow your dream and keep it hidden until just the right moment when it is safe to birth it into the world.
Then I hear Wayne Dyer quote his daughter, Serena saying "Don't die with your song still in you." I don't want to die without finding my song.
Each card I pull, only irritates me more as it just seems stacked to force me to accept joy and support. Well screw that. I don't have that kind of trust left in me. It has been a long 15 years of fighting with my ex, work draining me and making me sick, and having life smack me around.
I have put a great deal of my struggle into this blog. For some reason it felt safe and anonymous. Who would read my ramblings? Why would anyone read my blog?
Which brings me back to following my dreams. To do so requires me to have dreams. It requires me to not listen to the voice in my head telling, this is as good as it gets for me and I don't deserve more.
Why can I tell you my fears, instead of my dreams? I spend way too much time with fear and have allowed her to live in my head for many years now. I am not sure how to evict her from my thoughts. I need better voices in my head. Ones that tell me, "you got this", "you can do this", and "you deserve this". Instead I hear, I don't believe I deserve good things in my life.
I feel fear that my ex will show up and yank the rug out from under me. I fear he will retaliate.
So guess what one of my dreams is? It is to write a book about me going through divorce. My fear is he will read it and one day I will be sitting being interviewed and the question will be, Melissa, we spoke with your ex husband and he says the divorce was all your fault and he brought emails your wrote to the guy you left him for. I fear more exposed fighting with my ex. And yet, I want to write this book.
This one I may need to sit in my head for a few more years. Until I am strong enough to sit across from his as a surprise guest at my book tour. That is a dream.
Today's Tarot Card is "Brave". It is going to take a whole lot of brave to allow my brain to switch off and allow day dreaming to begin.