Fuck if life doesn't like to humble me often.
My car is misbehaving. I asked for the mechanics phone number. This afternoon that call will be made to see what it will cost to get her a check-up. I will also have him price out fixing my car heater so that the kids and I can have heat this winter. We have gone 2 long winters with no heat which means we huddle up in blankets in the car for the drive to school. Some days I am amazed at the level of bullshit I endure.
Then I remember every penny counts in my household and there have been too many other top of the priority pile items that needed our money.
While the heater doesn't put out heat, the bigger problem is she isn't gearing well. She is making these lunging jumps. I asked if there was a fluid that I might need to check and was told transmission fluid. I watched a video on how to check the transmission fluid and will do that this morning before I get started.
Yesterday morning I was walking into the kitchen to get more coffee and saw my first mouse in this house in 5 years. It scared the shit out of me and I screamed and then it ran off. I asked if we can get some traps for the entire house so I don't scare them off on my level and send them up or down to the other levels.
At work it feels that what I have to offer is never enough because I can't work until 5 p.m. every day. My whole worth some days comes down to not enough. Doesn't matter that I have a wealth of experience and proven skills, just matters that I can't work a full 40 and parent my children in the way my family needs. I am astounded that in this day and time of employers not being able to find capable & qualified employees that I have to hear weekly about how much more I could contribute to the company's success if I could just work those final 10 hours each week.
Doesn't matter that most weeks, I am not asked, but rather told about the after hours or on weekends work time that is mandatory. The fact that I am a single mother and my need to go get my kids from school and can't sit at my desk from 3 - 5 pm devalues my worth to my employer. It is a very broken record that grates on my nerves like the sound of a record that gets stuck in one spot and just repeats over and over and over. By the time I pick up both kids, it is 4:10 pm on average. I have been driving for a hour and the last bit is just as end of day traffic is picking up. I have no interest in coming back to work unless there is truly an emergency. And when there is an emergency I head back in and do what is needed.
If I sat at the office until 5 pm, then I still have a full hour or more drive to fetch my kids and they have been unsupervised for two hours. Then dinner to make and school work to be done and some nights we rush out to extracurricular activities. I cannot willingly choose to add this stress to my life. I don't want to gamble with my children's lives. Drugs, alcohol, and sex happen to unattended teenagers. My employers agreed to these hours and conditions last August to keep me as their employee. If this arrangement no longer works for them, that is their decisions to make. I am content with our current arrangement, minus the negative Nancy proclamation once a week.
My high moment of the day was going to the weekly Friends & Family Support Group for Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar. This group has been a lifesaver for me as a care giver for someone suffering from depression & anxiety. I didn't need to share this week as my family has had a week of calm. It was a huge blessing to acknowledge that I was only at the meeting to support others this week. It was wonderful to announce that my family life was very "even" this past week!!!
Going to this group each week gives me so much to think about as not only a caregiver, but as someone who also suffers from mental illness. I listen to how difficult it is to take care of and love someone with mental illness. I am blessed that this group has so many attendees from so many walks of life to share the skills I need to learn to help my son manager his life and how to "assist" him and not to further aggravate the bad days. In learning these tools I am listening to how much havoc mental illness reeks on those who take care of us. Most weeks it makes me so sad to think of how much I rely on my friends and family to help me emotionally. I am blessed to have such a strong support group and I am grateful that they are still standing with me after nearly three decades marred with some really difficult years.
Most Tuesdays, it is not an easy transition from going to the meeting to come home and needing to get straight into bed in able to get enough sleep to keep my life running smooth and balanced. I come home and am still processing what happened at the meeting and I know I need to shut my brain down and go to sleep, but even after 30 years, I have not even scratched the surface at mastering the art of letting go, not even for just the evening.
So much information was shared last night and I had so much running through my mind. I was getting ready to turn out the light and go to sleep when I remembered I hadn't set the alarm on my coffee pot. As I got up, I saw a huge object move on my bedroom floor, heading from my closet area towards my bed.
Instinctively I grabbed a flip flop and started after the huge ass spider walking across my floor like he was a superstar walking down the red carpet. As I neared, he realized I was coming for him and he hustled his ass under my bed before I could smack him. I turned on my cell phone flash light and located him. Fucker was sitting next to another shoe under my bed, all puffed up and on alert and not at an easy angle to smack with my intense fear of them jumping at me as I go to squish them. I sat there crouched down staring the fucker down. There are moments when my fear gets the better of me and this was one of those times. I didn't want to get up to go get a broom for fear of losing sight of him and well logically I would never be able to sleep in that bed again and would have to torch the mother fucker down.
As I have been advised not to use fire to kill spiders due to the house burning down risks, I just sat there. I asked myself if I thought it would be possible to stay awake all night until the spider got comfortable and decided to risk coming back out from under the bed. Could I stay alert and awake long enough to wait him out? What if I fell asleep and he came over and bit me? My son had been asleep for about an hour and probably wouldn't answer his phone. Could I risk losing sight of the spider to go wake him up. Would he even come kill the spider? My son announced the other day that he was not the house spider killer. I told him yes you are! That is your sole reason for you being able to live with me full-time.
My mind kept coming back to if I lose sight of this spider, I will never again be able to sleep in this bed, in this room.
I sent a text, a ridiculous plea for help. I asked him that I should not call upon, to come up stairs and kill a spider. I felt like an idiot crouched down holding a flashlight and pointing, but he came up, and killed it. One good whack. Then he left. I sat and continued to watch the carcass to verify the fucker was really dead so I could sleep without worry.
Today, after work, I will be purchasing stuff to spray on the inside of my house to make the spiders go the fuck away. They all appear to have had a very successful year eating and are huge. Yes I know peppermint deters them. I will be spraying our beds with peppermint. I will be spraying the house with toxic chemicals just to better my odds of not seeing another spider this fall.
Hopefully today I will be able to be a total grown up and get through my day without having to ask for any help.