The dealership found a lender that would make a car loan to me for my wonderful 2002 Jeep Cherokee with 102,000 miles on it! Wednesday night they wanted $1500 down and would finance it for 36 months which made my payment a wee bit higher than I had wanted, but not unbearable. But stuff on my credit from the divorce made my debt to income too out of whack.
Jason had a conversation with them about who is supposed to be paying for what, what the divorce order states, and the ugly reality of people having free will. It was very hard to sit there knowing your sad story is being shared and once again you are being judged.
But it worked. Forcing them to see me, made me more than just another person there to buy a used car. They worked a little harder to help me and found a lender who would take me on, with a slightly lower interest rate and spread out over 60 months.
I drove my new car home last night!! She is fabulous, quirky, well cared for, very sexy and aging gracefully; just like me!
This morning the reality of bill juggling is upon me as I put down a nice chunk of change for portion 1 of the deposit and gave the dealership a check dated for last night that they are supposed to hold until Aug. 1. Then they can cash the other portion. I think we have all been burned in scenarios like this in our youth. My first car payment is due mid-August. My mind woke me up already stressing the logistics for the next several months as I hemorrhage extra money in an already super tight budget.
I am using the Miracles Now book by Gabrielle Bernstein like a tarot deck. randomly flip to a page every morning as my needed message. Today's message was page 52 Pray Before You Pay. She talks about the stress and chaos most of us have around paying our bills. She advises to get organized and make it visually pleasing and then each time you pay bills, to pray.
"Thank you, Universe, for providing me with the resources to pay these bills. I am grateful to contribute to the economy and to support my growing business." Pg. 53
Pray before you pay. #MiraclesNow
I am going to print this & put it on my folder of bills to be paid & in my checkbook as a gentle reminder.
I truly am grateful to have a good job that allows me to provide a home for my family and now to pay to have a wonderful car to get us where we need to go!!
I am very excited to be driving myself to work today! Happy Friday!
Quote found on Facebook:
"And God said, "Love Your Enemy," and I obeyed him and loved myself." Khail Gibran
Facebook, Robert Holden. Miracles Mini-series Day 5
A Course In Miracles Lesson 192
"Forgiveness represents your function here."
"Who could be set free while he imprisons anyone? A jailer is not free, for he is bound together with his prisoner. He must be sure that he does not escape, and so he spends his time in keeping watch on him. The bars that limit him become the world in which his jailer lives, along with him."
"Therefore, hold no one prisoner. Release instead of bind, for thus you are made free. The way is simple. Every time you feel a stab of anger, realize you hold a sword above your head. And it will fall or be averted as you choose to be condemned or free."
"Be merciful today."
I know I have put off working on forgiveness for as long as possible. When I listened to The World Tapping Summit early this spring, I was stunned listening to the interviews as I was confronted with how much mental baggage and I guilt I have been carrying with me.
I am blessed that I have a recovering alcoholic as a parent and have been able to learn a little about recovery, forgiveness, and letting go. But I cannot believe how much deeper life is going to make me wade through.
For some reason though I never put the pieces together about how much anger & sadness & disappointment I have squished into my body.
I started noticing late last year, how the ugly would ooze out from time to time. Literally, I would be having a conversation & hear myself speaking ugly, hateful, hurt disguised as conversation. Shaking my head as if to wake up, I would try to stop & just shut up, but I was so full of the ugly that I couldn't stop it bursting out. I have legitimate reasons to be angry. Some nights I can sit good in deep in my steaming pile of ugly and run through the list of how I am being wronged and who is responsible for my bad feelings. Most nights shortly after adjusting my self a couple of times in the warm pile of piss and moan, I realize what I am trying to soothe myself in and I pull myself out of that funk. I have listened to so many authors explain that there is a benefit to not forgiving, that there is a comfort in reliving & affirming the unfairness and pain of life. While I do not understand why so many of us get a pay off for holding onto our hurt, I know that it is true. For some of us, we have defined ourselves for so long by our hurts, the injustice and anger that it could take decades to wade through it all in therapy. While listening to The World Tapping Summit, I learned that EFT can aide me in letting go. Not analyzing and wallowing in for decades, but now. Like right now.
One of the authors being interviewed in the Summit described how easy letting go is. He describes picking up a pencil with his hand and gripping it tightly. Then he describes relaxing the body, taking a breath and opening his fingers releasing & letting the pencil go. How freakin brilliant & way too simple, except that it is spot on. There just isn't any other way to really do it.
Each day I chose to repeat my stories, who I am. What has happened to me. Who has wronged or disappointed me. Who I have wronged or disappointed. I am the one who has prayed and told God that I was laying my baggage at his feet, only to turn around after a few minutes to locate my bags & flip them onto my shoulders.
It is so simple and yet it is a very hard choice to make.
I am learning to see myself as I want to be. This is really difficult as I have grown accustomed to who I thought I was based on my stories. I can say with great certainty that carrying around the anger & fear & disappointment has not saved me from making new mistakes, nor has it protected me at all. It has kept my head down and my steps unsteady for so long.
Forgiveness, accepting reality as neither good nor bad, self care, loving whole heartedly, dealing with fairness & justice, letting go, living in the present, and not running away when I get scared are coming topics.
I have spent the better part of a decade defining myself as damaged, but I am finding strength in the reality that I not damaged. I am exactly who I need to be and have been given the life I have lived so that I can share my hope. I get scared and overwhelmed, but I am allowing the hope to seep in and replace the ugly day by day.
Starting early this spring, I decided I needed a daily spiritual practice to start & set my day. I bought a journal and the books of authors I had begun listening to on you tube, and decided that every morning I would read the daily meditation from Holy Shift by Robert Holden, PH.D., then randomly flip to a page in Miracles Now by Gabrielle Bernstein, then do some Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT, then meditate for 20 minutes, say my forgiveness prayer, imagine my ex husband surrounded by beautiful white light, say my gratitude prayer, and do some yoga.
As you can imagine, I could not seem to find 2 hours every morning to get all of this spiritual work done. I am still playing with the "how to" part. I take my journal with me which has my prayers written in it. I can say these at lunch, quietly at my desk.
I was using my daily commute time to do my tapping videos and audios, but my vehicle recently died driving through the desert to Las Vegas. So no peaceful, alone time for me right now. I am hopeful that I will have a vehicle again very soon & can resume this very important me time.
I have become a little, ok, a great deal stuck in my anger with my ex husband. This comes and goes. I work hard on forgiving him & visualizing great peace & prosperity for him and then he does something that takes me into the whole anger cycle again & it takes me a week or so to Let It Go. Currently I am not visualizing loving white light surrounding him. When he pops into my head right now, I see red so I am trying to immediately release a long hard breath and think of apple pie. I really like apple pie. I can smell it when I think of it and then poof he is out of my head for a minute. I am learning little tricks that allow me to transition quickly from anger to peace.
Forgiveness is the mainstay of my daily practice. Forgiveness of those who I carry pain with and forgiveness of myself & my choices. Then their is yoga, yoga & running got me through my very extreme 3 year divorce. I have not done either for two years & my sanity is threadbare because I have put my self care so low on the daily list of things that must get done. For me, 2014 is my year to get my daily spiritual practice set so that I am ready to hit the ground running for 2015.
I have 65% of my practice in place. I have 5 months to add the physical self care into the mix. I have 35 pounds of sad, whiney, beaten, broken, protection, fear, guilt & shame that needs to be released. 2014 is my Let It Go year. Sorry if you now have that damn Frozen song in your head too!!! ;)
Day 1, July 12, 2014 My big worry today is finding a vehicle. Divorce & my ex have destroyed my credit. I will rebuild, but I need a car now. Very humbling to have always had my bank send me a blank check to purchase with & now I will be taking who ever & whatever will take a risk on loaning to me.
Wish you could hear my exhale, while I attempt to let go of the shame & fear! If you hear on the news that hurricane force winds are being experienced in Colorado, there is a great chance it is just me exhaling or hyper ventilating!
However the day goes, I am truly blessed with friends & family that nourish my soul! My evening self care is a generous glass of wine & a very hot bath. The beginning and end of my day are good, it is the whole middle part I fumble through.