And I Feel So Much Smaller

I had another really wonderful day at work, plenty to do and they assume the best of me, that I can do whatever they ask. 

I have had to take a few moments here and there and steady myself and to whisper quietly from my heart to my head that I can do everything and anything they ask. This job fits so well with who I am, that I can't believe I didn't find this earlier. My solace is that I did in fact find it. I am here now.  Present & ready to start my new career.

I have just arrived home and drove the final mile listening to Barbara singing "Papa, Can You Hear Me" from my i-phone. 

Tonight is just one of those emotional nights when I miss my dad a lot. I couldn't stop the tears on the last bit of the trip home. He was a very mushy emotional guy. Tonight I would have called him to tell him about how happy I am at my new job. He would have listened as I bounced from subject to subject. My work day was fabulous. My evening was rough.

Tonight was Girl Scout night. 

I got there a little late, so they had already started. I said my hello's to the mom's sitting chatting upstairs and made my way down to where the girls were. I stood four foot away from my ex and listened to their leader explain what they needed to accomplish tonight. He is always standing there. Stern & attentive & ready to point out to everyone that he will be at the event & that he is a judge at the event. He looms over the room. I just can't breathe around him. I always feel so sick. 

These are the moments I hear him in my head and he is never kind to me. Do I stand still and not speak or draw attention to myself. Is he going to correct me if I say something wrong? Is he going to start quoting Girl Scout regulations and singing songs that I never took the time to learn? 

I waited until I had heard what the plan was and I walked past him and went back upstairs. I wanted to escape. I was debating just walking on out. I felt very unneeded and unwanted. Instead, I walked over to the mom's at the table upstairs and sat down. They graciously let me sit and join in on their silly conversations about school supplies and their older children wanting driver's licenses. It was very nice and soothing. I felt normal again. 

I would love to be involved and helping their leader, but not under his gaze. Not with him following behind me redoing everything I touch. 

My plan is to push myself just a little bit each meeting to see if I can forget he is looming and watching. It just isn't me to not help and be involved, but when I get involved in other areas of my kids lives, it doesn't go well. Words he says around the kids make their way back to me. 

I believe there will be a day when I will feel so at peace that I just don't even notice him. Unfortunately, I still carry so much guilt for creating my current reality. If I had stayed, just made do, just settled, just put my head down and continued to plow forward I would get to be a part of everything as he had little interest in me or the kids. This is still a hard pill to swallow. 

My freedom cost me tucking in my children each night. I made this happen. I created my reality.

When I got out of my car and was walking up to the house, I saw what looked like a piece of trash, possibly a napkin that had become stuck in my flower bed. As I got closer I notice that it wasn't trash, but a lily I hadn't even noticed growing on very thin stalk and was laying almost buried in the mess of greens the iris's and day lilies put up when they bloomed weeks ago. I decided to bring it inside and enjoy it. 

As awful as being near him was, I got to put my arms around both of my kids and pull them into my face and smell them and tell them I love them. I will put myself back in this awful head space again next week just for 5 minutes of time with my kids. 

Tonight I would be telling my dad that I miss my kids so much. In the past few years, when I would make these late night phone calls, my dad would get real fired up and tell me that he was glad I left my sorry worthless ex and then he would get real calm and tell me that my kids love me and miss me too. 

Tonight I miss my kids and I miss my dad.